Bob's Psychic Predictions for 1999 [humor]
From: Institute for UFO Research <iufor@frii.com>
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998 12:49:55 -0800
|
While in the supermarket checkout line, a tabloid newspaper article
caught my eye: "Psychic Predictions for 1999". Upon browsing through
the article, it became clear to me that I was fully as psychic as the
author. To prove it, I offer my own psychic predictions for 1999, and
I fearlessly go on public record with them, so that they can be
verified as predicted events transpire.
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Bob's Psychic Predictions For 1999
Remember -- You saw it here first!
January -- New Scandal:
A new Washington financial scandal will be in the headlines, when it
is discovered that extraterrestrial aliens contributed campaign funds
to the Democratic National Committee. Not knowing how to return the
money, the government will transfer the funds to the NSA, thus
converting the "Gray" Budget into a Black Budget. The windfall funds
will be spent on wild parties, but of course no one will know it.
The aliens have, of course, anticipated this, as it was their plan all
along to keep the NSA incapacitated for the next 12 months.
February -- Missing Time:
A new record in "missing time" will be set by the reappearance of
Jimmy Hoffa, who was abducted by aliens in 1975. His 24-year record
will be short lived however, lasting only until the return of Amelia
Earhart, missing since 1937.
Another record of sorts will be posted by a candidate for County
Treasurer in a western state, who will be returned by time-traveling
aliens one day before he left. Both instances of the individual will
vote for himself, thus winning the county election by the narrowest of
margins.
March -- Global Warming:
Global warming will produce unprecedented thawing in the far north.
Receding ice will lead to the rediscovery of the grave of St. Urho,
the saint who drove the grasshoppers out of Finland. Finnish legend
credits him with the phrase, "Hein”sirkka, hein”sirkka, meine t””tt”
hiiteen", or "Grasshopper, grasshopper, get the hell out of here". (In
support of the legend, note that although Finland has no grasshoppers,
there is a word for grasshopper in the language.)
April -- Stock Market:
The stock market will fluctuate up and down throughout the month. Some
people will make money, others will lose. There are strong psychic
indications that this trend will persist through the end of the year.
May -- Global Weather:
The subsidence of El Nino and El Nina will give rise to a new weather
pattern, known as "Il Bambino del Maltempo" (the bad weather baby), as
the job of naming weather anomalies will be taken over by the
Italians.
I also feel at this time that there is a strong possibility that a 6.8
or higher earthquake will level the Serbian National Library,
destroying their book.
June -- Environmental Issues:
An environmentally insensitive move by the French to harvest trees
along their traditionally tree-lined country lanes, will be met with
vociferous opposition by the rest of the European Community;
particularly by the Germans, who prefer to march in the shade.
July -- Pole Shift:
A massive pole shift will leave Warsaw a ghost town, and Chicago
overflowing with new immigrants. A subsequent, but smaller, pole shift
will see the Pope retiring to Hawaii, where he will be known
affectionately as "Big Papa Kahuna".
August -- Government Spending:
Government overspending will be in the news as a military warehouse is
discovered containing an estimated 400,000,000 rolls of toilet paper
-- enough to "wipe" the entire planet earth, if the appropriate -
shall we say - "orifice" could be found somewhere on the planet. In
the belief that this location is already known, the entire supply will
be shipped to Cleveland.
September - News Items:
I foresee several items in September's news.
- The IRS will disallow claims of implant removals as short-term
losses.
- Hillary Clinton will deny a secret agreement with the Ashtar
Command.
- Philip Klass will finally admit to membership in MJ-12.
- A crop circle will appear in Colin Andrews' shag carpet.
- El Chupacabras will sign to star in a Japanese horror film.
October -- UFO Lands on White House Lawn:
The long-awaited landing of an alien space ship on the White House
lawn will finally take place, where it will be first approached by the
dog, Buddy. By universal tradition, Buddy will automatically become
earth's ambassador to the Galactic Federation, and earth's highest
ranking entity. His first official move will be to have his Human
neutered. The action will be met with widespread popular approval and
relief.
November - Fiscal Mystery:
November is traditionally the month of mysteries. A high official of
MUFON will reveal for the first time that the organization is
supported financially by a tabloid newspaper, the National Enquirer.
The mystery deepens as it is discovered that the National Enquirer is
financed by the Bilderberger Group, who in turn are financed by --
MUFON.
In a surreptitious effort to learn how it is done, Canada's Minister
of Finance will initiate a covert inquiry into the matter.
December - Celebrities in the News:
- Rush Limbaugh will be fired. Unemployed, he will become a Democrat.
- Hugh Hefner will abruptly leave his Playboy empire and will throw
all his time and money into the search for a cure for impotence. He
will not discuss his reasons.
- Brooke Shields' eyebrows will finally grow together.
- PBS Television will announce a new series on the lives of famous
composers. In the series opener, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.
-------------------------------------
I expect no less than full credit for these psychic predictions as
events occur.
Best regards,
Bob
===============================================================
| I N S T I T U T E F O R U F O R E S E A R C H |
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| Bob Thrift | Editor, UFOCUS Magazine |
| Webmaster, IUR Web Site | http://www.frii.com/~iufor/ |
| Fort Collins, Colorado | email: iufor@frii.com |
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RELEVANCE OF THIS MESSAGE: Skepticism
Index: Prophesies & Psychic Predictions (#7)
Created: Oct 23, 1998
